How To Tell If You Are Middle Aged

I am officially middle aged. I have a love/hate relationship with this phase of my life. And though we all slide into this stage at different rates, here is a list of possible ways you can tell if you are also stuck in the middle.

1-Injuries take longer to heal, both of mind and body.

2-You see hot guys in their 20’s and immediately think, “He could be my son.”

3-You can’t remember the last time you ate Taco Bell drunk.

4-Your doctor begins mentioning phrases like “water aerobics” and “low impact.”

5-At least once a day you say to yourself, “I am turning into my mother.”

6-Spending 30 minutes in Target by yourself is almost as wonderful as an orgasm.

7-You bring meals to friends who lose parents because you don’t know how else to heal their broken heart.

8-More and more of your selfies include vegetables from your garden.

9-You look back on wasted time with equal parts appreciation and regret.

10-You dedicate yourself to both a real and Netflix marathon with equal gusto.

11-You kick yourself for not having this much confidence in your youth.

12-When you remember you have fewer years with your children than greater it feels hard to breathe.

13-The coolest people you know were likely “dorks” in high school.

14-Your best friends are the mirror you look through to glimpse your real self.

15-You pick your nose in the car and don’t care who is watching.

16-You spend as much time plucking chin hairs as you used to spend planning your outfit.

17-You don’t apologize unless you are being a real asshole.

18-You attend divorce parties and baby showers in the same weekend.

19-You know things don’t always happen for a reason. Sometimes bad shit happens for no reason at all.

20-You don’t waste your time on people who are moody, cheap or negative.

21-You can remember every word to Ice Ice Baby but regularly forget why you walked into a room.

22-A perfect Friday night is a nice bottle of red and a Netflix documentary.

23-Ninety percent of the time you are referred to as “so-and-so’s mom.”

24-You still think farts are funny.

25-You are spread too thin.

26-You never believe you are doing enough.

27-You collect recipes like you used to collect phone numbers.

28-Most of your incoming calls are from your kids friends.

29-You are changing your toddler’s diapers while solving Common Core math for your pre-teen.

30-Texts from your friends have turned from dating advice into requests for book recommendations.

31-You can’t wait to have sex.

32-You are too tired for sex.

33-You wonder if you are having enough sex.

34-You used to worry if your outfit was trendy. Now you wonder if it accentuates your C-section scar.

35-Staying out until bar close has been replaced with day drinking followed by needless Amazon Prime purchases.

36-Eventually there comes a day, driven by choice or circumstance, when there will be no more babies. Even though you are done expecting, you never get over the expectation of what a new child brings.

37-You sneak Gin and Tonics into your kid’s choir concerts.

38-You host a conference call while simultaneously cleaning dog puke, emptying the dishwasher and brushing your teeth.

39-You have zero tolerance for fake people, food or conversation.

40-You say “no” more.

41-You still say “yes” too much.

42-More and more of your wardrobe involves elastic.

43-You are overscheduled and under stimulated.

44-Your childhood celebrity crush is featured in the “Sexy Over 60” section of magazines.

45-Someone your age dies of a heart attack.

46-You complain of ‘bad lighting’ when you can’t read a restaurant menu.

47-You discover an inch long nipple hair and wonder how many showers you must have taken and never noticed an inch long nipple hair.

48-You wonder what happened to Larry from Three’s Company.