I CAN’T EVEN!!
Arthur and his trusty servant Patsy “ride” along through the woods.
Suddenly they come apon a stream crossing where two knights are battling in a
heated duel with giant longswords. One is dressed in green and one in black.
Arthur stops and watches the fight.
The two knights attempt to maul each other in many various ways and with many
different tools of medieval weaponry. Finally, when the green knight is
charging the black with a battle axe, the black knight throws his sword
straight through the slit in the green knight’s helmet. The green knight falls
to the ground, bleeding profusely. The black knight steps forward and pulls
his sword out of the helmet. King Arthur, impressed with the black knight’s
fighting, motions to Patsy and they “ride” forward.
Arthur: You fight with the strength of many men, sir knight.
(The black knight does not respond)
Arthur: I am Arthur, king of the Britons.
Arthur: I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me at my
court at Camelot.
Arthur: You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me?
Arthur: You make me sad. So be it! Come, Patsy!
As Arthur and Patsy start to ride past the black knight, he suddenly speaks:
Black Knight: NONE SHALL PASS.
Arthur: (taken aback) What?
Black Knight: NONE SHALL PASS.
Arthur: I have no quarrel with you, good sir knight, but I must cross
Black Knight: THEN YOU SHALL DIE.
Arthur: I *command* you, as king of the Britons, to stand aside.
Black Knight: I MOVE FOR NO MAN.
Arthur: So be it! (draws sword)
A short battle ensues, where Arthur, relatively unencumbered by armor, easily
dodges the slow and heavy strikes by the black knight. Finally, Arthur
dodges a strike, steps aside, and cuts the black knight’s left arm off with
his sword. Blood spurts from the knight’s open shoulder.
Arthur: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
Black Knight: ‘Tis but a scratch.
Arthur: A SCRATCH? Your arm’s off!
Black Knight: No it isn’t!
Arthur: Well what’s that then? (pointing to the arm lying on the ground)
Black Knight: I’ve had worse.
Arthur: You LIAR!
Black Knight: Come on, you pansy!
There follows an even shorter foray, at the end of which Arthur easily cuts
off the black knight’s right arm, causing it and the black knight’s sword to
drop to the ground. Blood spatters freely from the stump.
Arthur: Victory is mine!
(kneeling, praying) We thank thee Lord, that in thy mercy–
He is kicked onto his side by the black knight.
Black Knight: Come on, then! (kicks Arthur again)
Arthur: (on the ground) What?!?
Black Knight: (kicking him again) Have at you!
Arthur: (getting up) You are indeed brave, sir knight, but the fight
Black Knight: Ohhh, had enough, eh?
Arthur: Look, you stupid bastard, you’ve got no arms left!
Black Knight: Yes I have!
Black Knight: Just a flesh wound! (kicking Arthur again)
Arthur: Look, STOP that!
Black Knight: Chicken!!! Chicken!!!!!!!
Arthur: Look, I’ll have your leg!
(The Black Knight continues his kicking)
Arthur: RIGHT! (He chops off the black knight’s leg with his sword)
Black Knight: (hopping) Right! I’ll do you for that!
Arthur: You’ll *WHAT*?
Black Knight: Come ‘ere!
Arthur: (tiring of this) What’re you going to do, bleed on me?
Black Knight: I’m *INVINCIBLE*!!!
Arthur: You’re a looney….
Black Knight: The Black Knight ALWAYS TRIUMPHS! Have at you!!
(hopping around, trying to kick Arthur with his one remaining
Arthur shrugs his shoulders and, with a mighty swing, removes the Black
Knight’s last limb. The Knight falls to the ground. He looks about,
realizing he can’t move.
Black Knight: Okay, we’ll call it a draw.
Arthur: Come, Pasty! (they “ride” away)
Black Knight: (calling after them) Oh! Had enough, eh? Come back and take
what’s coming to you, you yellow bastards!! Come back here and
take what’s coming to you! I’ll bite your legs off!